Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
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I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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