Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
