I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize