I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
