She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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