she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
