Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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