just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
