That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
