"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
