my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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