You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
