my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
