I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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