I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
