I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
