there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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