bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
