Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
