just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
