Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
