my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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