I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
