She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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