my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
