Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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