So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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