I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
