I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
