New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
