if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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