I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
