1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
