I accidentally had phone sex last night
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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