She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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