I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
