I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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