I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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