I skipped work to stalk him.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
