We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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