I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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