My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
