just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
