I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
