I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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