My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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