Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
