Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
