New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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