dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I currently don't understand fingers.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
