Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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