Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How external is "for external use only"?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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