He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
