my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
