Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
