girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
