Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
