im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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